A Calculating Problem
by Kili and Fili Inc
Summary: When a calculator falls into Middle-Earth and lands in the middle of the company of thirteen dwarves, and one wizard, and one hobbit, things get interesting...Read if you like to laugh.


**A Calculating Problem**

Thirteen dwarves, one wizard, and one hobbit are walking to Erebor. They don't have ponies, because they forgot to bring some. All of a sudden, a calculator falls from the sky and bounces off Thorin's head.

"Ow."

All twelve dwarves, one wizard, and one hobbit stare at Thorin.

"Well, I'm embarassed." Thorin scratches his head.

They all keep walking.

"Hey, guys! Aren't you gonna pick this up?" Bilbo asks.

"No, we're just going to leave that mysterious object that just fell on Thorin's head right there. We're not gonna bother looking at it or seeing if it could help us because we're ignorant." Kili answers.

All the dwarves agree. "Yeah, we're ignorant." They say in unison.

"Oh." Bilbo says. "Gandalf, do you think they're ignorant?"

"Uh…well, if they're not ignorant, then I am."

"Well, maybe you shouldn't be in the company if you're so ignorant, Gandalf." Ori says.

"I just said I'm NOT ignorant, fool!"

"Well, we're not either." Fili says.

"Actually, I think we are." Says Kili.

"No, we're not."

"Yes, we are."

"No, we're not."  
"Yes, we are."

"Shut up." Thorin says.

Everyone stares at Thorin, again.

"Well, I'm embarrassed again."

Gandalf shakes his head. "Fools."

"We're ignorant, we don't know what "fools" means." Kili says.

"You just we weren't ignorant!" Fili says.

"I changed my mind."

Bilbo puts his hands on his hips. "Are we going to pick up this strange mysterious object that could possibly help us on our quest, or not?"

"Well, you can if you want to. I don't care, even if it does help us on our quest to…um…what was our quest?" Dwalin asks, scratching his head.

The dwarves stare at each other blankly. "Uh…I don't know." They all say.

Gandalf smacks Dwalin over the head with his staff. Dwalin passes out immediately and collapses to the ground. "We're going to kill Smaug."

"Uh…what's a Smaug?" Asks Fili.

"I'm not even going to get into that." Gandalf says. "Come on, let's go."

The dwarves start walking, but Bilbo stays behind. "So, what about this strange object?"

"Uh…leave it." Thorin answers.

The company disappears from sight. "Hey, guys! What about Dwalin!?" Shouts Ori.

"Oh, crap! Dwalin! Oh well, let's just leave him." Says Fili.

Bilbo picks up the calculator. He turns it on. He presses a bunch of random numbers. "What is this?" He gets the number –400. "What the—"

Suddenly Gollum pops out of nowhere. "The Precious!" He lunged for the calculator, but Bilbo holds it above his head and Gollum misses it and hits his head on a tree and passes out.

Bilbo sticks out his tongue at Gollum. "Nah nah nah nah nah!"

Thorin comes back to see what the commotion is. "Guys, shut up. We're trying to sleep even though we're still walking, and it's nighttime, and we should probably be resting. But we're gonna keep walking anyway. So shut up."

"How can you be trying to sleep if you're walking?" Bilbo asks. "Wait, where's Gandalf?"

"Oh, he's sleeping in a tree."

"What? How'd he get up there?" Bilbo asks.

"I don't know. We just turned around and he was up there. Nobody bothered to ask questions."

"Why didn't anyone ask?"

"Have you heard what happened to the last guy?" Thorin asks.

"Uh…no. What happened to him?"

"I don't know. Nobody bothered to ask. So nobody knows."

"Oh."

"OK. Shut up. 'Cause we're trying to sleep."

"Wait, what about Dwalin?"

Thorin looks at Dwalin. "Wait a minute, is he breathing?"

"I don't know." Bilbo answers. They look at each other. "Let's check." They say in unison.

Thorin checks his pulse. "Uh…I don't think his heart's beating."

"Well, is he breathing?"

"I don't know, I can't tell." Thorin answers.

"We should get Gandalf." Bilbo says.

"Uh…I don't think so. Remember what happened to the last guy?"

"Ooohhhhh….yeeaaahhhh."

"We should leave him for dead." Thorin says, standing. "Besides, we've still got twelve more, right?"

"Right." Bilbo says. "Wait, what about Gollum?"

"What's a gollum?"

"That." Bilbo points at Gollum. "Wait a minute, where'd he go?" Gollum is gone.

"What's that?" Thorin points to the calculator in Bilbo's hands.

"Oh, I don't know." Bilbo looks at the calculator. "It hit you on the head, remember?"

"Ye—no. No, I do not remember. At all, dude. I think I got temporary amnesia." Thorin says. "Do you pass out when you get amnesia?"

"Uh, I don't think so."

"Oh. Well, might as well do it anyway. Just to be safe." Thorin "passes out". Bilbo looks at Thorin's body.

"Hey Thorin & Co.!" The whole company appears out of nowhere. Except for Gandalf. "Thorin passed out." He points at Thorin's body.

"Oh. Major bummer, dude." Fili says. "Come on, let's go to Erebor."

"Wait, don't you need your king?" Asks Bilbo.

"Uh…no. I'm next in line. Who needs him?" Fili walks away with lots of swag. Kili follows suit, except he trips over his own feet.

"Ow." Kili stands up. He has a cut on his pinkie finger. "Ow!" He says over dramatically. Fili runs over to Kili.

"What's wrong, little bro?"

"I cut my finger!"

"So?" Bilbo says.

Gandalf appears. "Shut up, you cry baby. Remember what happened to the last guy?"

Kili gasps and goes pale. "No! Not the last guy!"

"Yes, the last guy."

"What happened to the last guy?" Bilbo asks.

"Nobody knows." Says Kili. "He just…disappeared."

"Oh."

Gloin picks up a stick and pokes Dwalin's body with it. "Hey, guys. I think Dwalin's dead. Should we bury him?"

"Of course you should, insolent fool!" Gandalf says.

Gloin pokes Thorin. "Aw man! He's still breathing! Dang it! I was hoping he was dead!"

Fili turns around. "WHAT!?"

"Sorry, bro. Looks like your poison didn't work." Kili says.

"Shut up, Kili. Now they know I'm the one who poisoned him!"

Bilbo starts to play with the calculator. "Hey, guys, this thing can…like…add…and subtract…wow! It even divides!"

Everyone stops talking and looks at Bilbo. "Cool." They say in unison.

"Fili, how much poison did you give Thorin? I mean, it should have worked. He should have been dead three hours ago…but…he's not."

"Well, what if we just leave him?" Asks Balin.

"No way, man. Gandalf would totes find out!" Biffur says. "I mean, there would only be like...what? Ten of us?"

"Dude. There was thirteen. Minus two." Boffur says.

Bilbo holds up the calculator. "That's eleven. See?" He points to the numbers.

"Gimme that!" Fili shouts. Fili grabs it.

"Okay, we have eleven…we had thirteen…minus two…is…oh wait! We should subtract Gollum!" Fili says. "Who is this Gollum anyway?"

"I don't know, one of Bilbo's friends." Bombur says.

"Woah woah wait! He's not one of _my_ friends!" Bilbo says.

"Whatever." They all say, rolling their eyes.

Gandalf appears out of seemingly nowhere. "What are you fools doing?"

"Uh…we don't know." Kili says. "Remember, we're ignorant."

"Uh…why is Dwalin dead?" Gandalf asks.

"Again…ignorant." Kili says.

"And why is Thorin unconscious?"

"Uh…" Fili and Kili points to each other, and everyone else points at Fili. "He did it!"

Gandalf stares at Fili.

Kili blurts out, "Fili tried to poison him, but it didn't work!"

"Kili!" Fili shouts.

"What?"

"Hands above your head!" Gandalf shouts, pulling out his shotgun. "Get down on the ground!"

Fili looks at him blankly.

"I said get down on the ground!"

"Okay." Fili puts his hands in the air and falls forward on his face.

"Idiot." Gandalf says, going over to handcuff him. "You have the right to remain silent. You also have the right to an attorney in the court of law…" Suddenly Gollum pops out of nowhere and hits Gandalf over the head with a rock. He disappears. Gandalf falls forward unconscious.

Fili looks up. "Freedom!" He jumps up and runs off into the sunset. Kili swag runs after him.

"Well, what do we do now?" Bilbo asks.

"Duh, go to Erebor." Balin says. "Come on dude, that was our quest all along."

"But what about the king?"

"Ah…who needs him?"

All the dwarves leave.

"I'm not going with them. I think I'll just…stay here…and play with…My Preciousss…." Bilbo strokes the calculator.

**_The End_**

**_Well, we hope you all enjoyed it. Because we certainly did. Please feel free to leave comments and suggestions, and, as always...REVIEW Preciousss..._**


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